idle hands

with its time defying flourescent lights and perpetual chaos, the ER is a lot like las vegas without the show girls. we specialize in bad odds, old folks, and irrational hope. tonight, with the exception of this strange lull, has been like most nights, a lot of people looking for reassurance and few in need of genuine help; dirty jokes with the nurses, some fig newtons when there's time and a whole lot of paper work. i only have 16 shifts left here, the only place i've worked since i finished residency 3 years ago. i've mostly thought of that as a blessing; since i've been here the work has doubled and most of my favorite coworkers have quit. (my interview for this job was a hike on a farm with the former medical director). the thing that occurs to me tonight though, is that this is also the place that i've learned to feel comfortable calling myself a doctor. i think the main thing you really learn in med school is how to walk into a room full of strangers and fool yourself into believing that you know what's going on and what to do about it. but the longer i get to do this the more i realize that if you genuinely want to help somebody, they can tell, and that matters as much as knowing the answer. when i was little, i stayed with my aunt jeanette a lot and i was kinda snotty about being a "smart kid". she always said "little smarty had a party; nobody came except little smarty". similarly, the nurse manager pulled me aside after a few months of working here and told me "sometimes you're a real asshole". (you have to know jaque to appreciate this; she gets to the point) it's easy to get your feathers ruffled by rude and demanding patients who can't understand why their narcotic addiction is less important than the heart attack 2 rooms away, but the satisfaction of blowing them off is a high-fructose treat and fails to sustain. being nice, being kind, being patient...it doesn't cost anything

i'm gonna go see if i can put this high-minded rhetoric into practice, my least favorite patient just showed up. usually his family video tapes me so they can sue me when i'm wrong about something. i guess i just challenged myself to do it different tonight...damn karma