2am thoughts

can you get the jump on fate? you know some kind of change is out there headed for you like a meteor. what if you just go ahead and scramble your own life; will fate be satisfied? will fate kick back and take a smoke break saying "well he screwed things up enough himself, he dosen't need any help from me". it's the waiting that kills me. i know change is coming but i can't stand to sit around waiting for the other cosmic shoe to drop. it makes me antsy and restless. the more stable things seem the more i start to feel twitchy. a few years back, my parents house got hit by tornado. thanks to my father's foresight (also known as eastern kentucky paranoia) my family weathered the storm in a closet that was reinforced as a storm room. but when they came out the garage was gone, the house was crooked and life was real different. that seems to be the way things happen; you step into a closet and when you come out, your life is completely different forever. i went up to indiana a few days later to help clean up and remember wandering through the neighboring field where every few feet some random object from the past was scattered in the grass; a toy robot driven half into the ground, a report card in a bush, a pile of legos inexplicably surrounding the base of a tree. if felt good. objects seem to clutter my mind and i feel like that tornado has been spinning around in my life ever since it tore up my parents house. i'm tired of being possessed by possessions. i can't imagine my life being any better than it is right now and that's the best reason i can think of to shake things up a little bit. part of the definiting of "living" is responding to the environment; it you're not challenged to adapt and grow then you get old quick. i guess i'm ranting to rationalize the conflict i feel when it comes to leaving a life i love, but the truth is i've gotta go, i just can't shake the restlessness anymore.